CAN'T SLEEP..........

It's early.  Been awake since about 330.  BF snoring so loud!  Good thing I don't work today.  Was put on schedule for today (after the schedule came out), when I asked why they took me off.  Good for me!
On another note.  Interview on Thursday (in my opinion) went bad.  Came home ate the rest of the potatoes and sausage I made the BF and then purged.  But while purging I was thinking of my favorite bacon and grilled cheese.  So I made that and purged it too.  Then had 3/4 of a corn dog but fell asleep before I purged it.  Went to Pot Luck later where I ate little because my stomach was so upset from purging.  Why can't my stomach always be upset??  Then I wouldn't eat.
Yesterday I starved all day even when I went with BF to pizza place for lunch.  When I finally got home last night I made myself eat some veggie soup so I wouldn't binge.  After I still wanted carbs sooooo friggin bad but I just ate a little more soup.
Down almost a pound today.  Finally, going down again.
FYI two girls at work admitted to their ED.  The one is skinny and c/o getting too thin.  I wish. 

I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS FAIL..........

I HATE MY JOB!  I do however have an interview today with another company.  More in my field of work.  Hope it goes well.
I didn't stick with my fast.  Did only two days!  I feel like such a failure!!!!!!!!!!  So weak!!!!!!!  I really hate myself for not staying Strong!  I did only eat veggie soup and some Wasabi peas when I finally ate.
Today is a new day.  (I hope)  I got up and made veggie soup, with broth and tofu.  I lived off this for months and lost weight.  It has cabbage, tomatoes, carrots, celery, tofu, spinach and zucchini.  I hope I can stick to it.
I was a little concerned that I was getting soooooooo irritable last nite.  How would I do my interview today if I was cranky and couldn't think straight???
So two cups of Chia tea with a smiggin of non fat milk and splenda.  Plus my usual tons of Pepsi Max.
At my job people are so fake.  I'm fake.  I sold 188% yesterday and I have no idea how!  I hate people but I must fake it well?  How can I honestly tell someone something looks good or bad on them when I have sales %????  I have to tell them it looks great!  And smile.  Don't forget the smile.
UGH!  My moods go between elated and then super depressed.  Maybe, I'm BiPolar???  Great!  The meds are a weight gainer.  So I won't be doing that.  I will do my normal and put on a happy face and not let anyone know how I really feel except those of you who read this.
Gotta go BF waking up!
Restrict and Starve on!
Until we are bones!

Hard Day

I'm having a really difficult day.  This is the only place I find any solace.  It's not really the food, although it's always, always in my thoughts.  It's how I feel.  I'm just so down.  Blank.  No feelings whatsoever.  Not sure what to do?  I already took my anti-depressant and still nothing.  I'm so blank...........
Can't even get into my Pro-Ana sites.  UGH! 
This is a good one if your searching for other sites. 
http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/2009_07_01_archive.html?zx=5c6d4dbdb7999a77
Hope your day is better than mine.
Feel like Eeyore, "Oh, hum.  Everything's gonna go wrong".

QUICKIE

I only have a moment.........didn't make it last night.  Gave in four times and as you already guessed I purged with each one!  Then I finished off a ham and cheese sandwich for which I kept down but only because it WOULDN'T come up!  I ate two large quiche slices, apple pie and chocolate kisses.  None of which were anywhere near small portions!!  What a pig!  I feel like shit!  I'm going to try again today.  Wish me luck!

Forgot.........

I forgot to say what my weight was.  208.0 even!  Lowest it's been in over two years. 
Stay Strong all you out there.  We can do this together.  I can almost feel my bones wanting to be seen through all this FAT!

So Far..........

So far so good.  Made two Quiches (rounds) and a large (square) Quiche.  I put sausage, bacon, spinach, parsley, garlic, cream, eggs, tomatoes, onions and mushrooms in my Quiches.  Oh! And of course lots of cheese.  Jack and American with Parmeson sprinkled last.  I love to cook so much when I don't eat!  You would think I would nibble or something but I don't.  I also made my bf breakfast again!  He's not up yet.  Works the PM shift.  He's such a wonderful guy!  Can't tell you how lucky I am.  He knows some of what I am going through but don't think he knows I purge on purpose.  He just thinks I throw up when I have eaten too much or whatever.  So anyway, I made him two "french toast" type English Muffins, sausage and bacon.  Plus, his coffee is ready to go.
Today I am not sure what to think about seeing the therapist????  I think maybe I will either have to quit or lie because I'm not giving this up.  Not sure I could anyway.
I haven't eaten so far today.  Woke up feeling really icky!  Took my meds and vits and I feel better now.  More Diet Pepsi Max will help with that too.
So if your reading this, can you leave a comment???  I'm lonely.

Update

So I almost didn't post.  It's getting late and I've been up since 5am.  Made a fried bacon sandwich with home made bread for my bf.  Then decided to make him some spaghetti and meatballs for his dinner at work but to top it off I made another loaf of bread.  Cinnamon this time and made him eat a slice!  He probably gained 5 pounds!  Part of me says, "better him than me!" and the other part feels guilty and wants to stop feeding everyone soooooo much. 
I was bad after my last message to you last night.  I binged (albeit a small one) and ate some stew with bread.  Drank a bunch of soda and purged.  Unfortunately, I've figured out how to purge "better" by drinking a bunch and jumping up and down (to "mix" things up, ewww) and then purge.
Today though, I have had one bite of stew and..........drum roll please.............nothing else!  Just Diet Pepsi Max.  Not even tea.  I wonder does Splenda through Ketosis off???  Seems like I have a really hard time getting to it.  So I got on scale (around 845 tonight) and I am back to 208lbs.  Yipee!!!  I had other really, really good news today but I can't tell you all because it will give away who I am to anyone who might already know me but not that it's me on this blog.  I know that's unlikely but still....................
I also saw my therapist for the first time today.  She is a recovered bulimic.  I did make it clear I am not willing to give up Ana.  Not right now.  Maybe never.  I just wonder if I could stop obsessing over food every single minute.  But maybe that would be giving up Ana.  I'm not ready for that by any means right now!
I like feeling empty.  I just hate the hunger which brings on the intense cravings!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just need to stay strong.  I am stronger than hunger.  Food is all fat!  I don't want to be fat.
To all you out there who actually read this, I WILL be strong with you tonight.
Until tomorrow, Starve On!

I know.....

I didn't post for awhile cause I figured no one was looking.  Oh well.  I did my five day fast and got down to 208 but then binged when my boyfriend took me out to dinner.  Which led to more binging!  And of course purging.  I just can't stand the feeling of food in my body!  I take huge laxatives to get it all out.  Feel like bloated pig!  I hate when I can't stick to something.  All those thoughts of "your such a loser", "you're weak" and so much more uglier things my head tells me. 
Right now I am back to my fast.  This is day two and all I have had is my usual TONS of Pepsi Max, tea with only a dribble of milk and splenda, and occasionally I taste the food I make for the kids but usually spit it out.  I just don't know how many calories are in those tastes.
I work in retail right now and it sucks!  Big time!!  All I think about is food and I'm constantly telling myself not to eat.  God I hate that job!  It keeps me from "Ana".
I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.
I don't even care if I get sick from this!  I have to be 139lbs again. (or less)  I felt secure then.  I was sexy then.  Now I am just a wiggle, jiggle thing of gross fat.
How much longer??????

Day Four

Ok so I have done rather well.  One bite of Chili tonight.  Maybe a lick of the fingers while making dinner but that's all.  And Boy Oh Boy do I want some pasta.  Had a taste and spit it out.  My new favorite saying is "If I eat something, I eat everything, so I eat nothing!"  How great is that??  So I made my BF two small sandwiches of Meatloaf and then broiled six crackers with Swiss cheese and Peperoni on them.  I love to cook.  Made a homemade Xmas cake and a ton of cookies tonight.  Plus, I made that extremely spicy Chili for my BF's lunch tomorrow.  I figure if I can't eat I will stuff everyone else!  Maybe, I should go longer than this five day fast??

After Thanksgiving Fast

So I know I haven't written.  I get discouraged because no one reads this but maybe eventually someone will comment!!  I had to go up north to see my mom who is very sick.  I was there a week and ate almost the whole time!  Ate Sushi every night.  And we won't even talk about Thanksgiving!!!  I went from 210.0 to 215.4  So I decided to go on a fast.  A 5 day fast to get my weight loss restarted.  On day 3 now.  I made it 3 days so far.  Yipee!  Just tea and diet soda.  I did lick my finger of cookie batter.  Made cheessy pasta and cookies.  Man I wanted it sooooo bad...........  I'm able to do this through the need to stay in control of one thing in my life.  Finally one.  Plus, the thoughts about myself are enough to persuade me not to eat.   So I will try and write tomorrow to tell you how it goes. 

Today

I am 211 today.  I expected maybe a little weight loss but the scale gave me even a better number.  Found something I can eat to "head off" the craving for junk food (any food really).  It's these Wasabi peas.  They are very low calorie and it's good to crunch on something.  If you're reading this can you leave a comment.  I'm lonely to talk to someone who is or has been where I am with Ana???

This Morning.....

Down to 214.8lbs!  Which is Awesome!!!  Great!!!  But so much more to lose until I am not so socially unacceptable.  Ate one and half small cookies because I was soooo weak.  Could barely stand without feeling dizzy.  Still in Ketosis though.  Will write more later.

Day Two of Fast

So I made it through the day and only had three small bites of a cookie my daughter made me.  I sat at my lunch break from work and watched my boy friend eat pizza!  OMG!  I wanted it so bad!!!  I kept thinking, "I can have one bite of the crust.  I've been so good!"  But I didn't do it!  Then I got more pizza for dinner tonight.  But I didn't eat that either!  Proud of me???  But my heart burn is getting worse.  I purge diluted blood and I take a lot of Ibuprofen so I'm sure that's the reason. 
I made the mistake of telling my BF about the heart burn and blood!  He was like, "you need to eat something or suffer the pain and blood."  Strange thing is I would rather be thin than change.  I feel so alone in my thoughts.
All I think about is food.
I did do a test to check for effective fasting called, "Keto Sticks".  It came back as somewhere in between small and moderate.  That's awesome!  I'm doing this right!  I'm down to 218.6lbs today!  Hope those couple of bites of cookie doesn't make me test negative for Ketosis tomorrow!!!!  Please God, don't punish me for a few seconds of weakness.  I promise I'll try harder tomorrow!

Today, Today, Today

So yesterday was my "new" attempt at fasting.  Have been reading a lot of pro ana sites.  Best one for fasting has been http://evacanfly.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.html .  I only ate a few deep fried mushrooms late last nite and then vomited them up.  I think I got out 90%.  Problem is my purge had some blood in it.  I think this is mainly due to all the Ibuprofen (Advil) I take several times a day for pain.  Talked to my mom a little last nite about what's been going on.  I made light of it as much as possible.  I don't think anyone thinks I can continue anyway.  Maybe (probably) they see me as weak too???  I'll show everyone.
Little dizzy when I got up today.  Ketosis strips show very little.  (Ketosis is a state your body goes into once it's eating fat)  I wish the strip would turn dark soon.  It feels like progress when it does.  I need progress.
Weight down almost two pounds since yesterday.  217.6lbs  Shouldn't I feel proud??  I just see how fat I've become and how much damage I've done!  I hate what I've become.  Rolls and rolls of fat.
So I will stick to my fast and maybe by tomorrow some of that will be gone but not enough of it I'm sure!

Sorry it's been about a week...........

So my disappointment over gaining weight and not staying true to Ana has also prevented me from blogging but I'm happy to say, "I'm back!".  I'm suppose to have dinner at my ex in-laws where my ex husband will be.  Why this bothers me so much after being divorced over 8 yrs I don't know?  I want to look my best.  Want to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving.  Means I have a little less than two weeks.  Weighed 224.4 a few days ago and due to running and a great deal of restricting my diet I am down to 219.4 today.  I always feel strange telling everyone what I weigh.  That no one will think that I have ED.  That I have no idea really what I am talking about.  Oh well, I know that the way I think and what I do in response to that is very ED.  So back to my EX.  I have the best (current) partner/boyfriend in the world and it's not that I'm thinking of cheating on him with my ex.  Hell no!  It's that I want to hurt my ex for being the jerk he is to our kids.  See his GF is really, really big.  And although I may be 219.4 I don't look like it.  Maybe due to height or whatever......  But I'm hoping he looks at me, looks at her, looks at me and back to her and it hurts him with what he "could" have had!!  By then I will weigh ten less than today anyway.  Plus, I think my boy friend will like the thinner me.  I think he doesn't like all the weight I've gained from binging and would really like the "real me" that he had when we first met almost three years ago.  I know I would.  I feel extremely guilty and shameful over the fact that I allowed my body to get so distorted.  Rolls of fat push out of my clothes and everything is sagging.  Maybe, my ex will just laugh when he see's me???  Maybe this isn't good enough.  I should have tried harder weeks ago!  Oh!  I hate me.  I hate who I've become.  All you see is fat overlapping the beautiful bone structure that is somewhere lost in the gross globs of FAT!  I'm so sick of looking at me.  Today I will be stronger than yesterday and eat even less!  Today I will be better.

Night Time

I am soooo good in the daytime of not eating but at night, especially late at night I can't resist.  I gulped down chicken rice and then purged.  Felt good that I got all of it up!  Then I had a sausage sandwich with double cheese.  Sandwich is hard to purge.  It clumps and makes it difficult but I think I got "rid" of most of it.  I better have lost some weight by AM!!!!!

Is anyone out there????

Today I am trying not to purge.  I purged over 6 times last night and kept down some cookies.  No wonder I weighed the same today 217.4  I'm so jealous of people who can go the day without eating.  I can't understand why I am not strong enough!!!!!!!!!!  My pants are loose but I want more.  I am down 37 lbs and I know sometimes when you don't eat or eat little your body holds on to weight.  I want to be back when I could feel my neck bones and hip bones through my clothes.  The way your thighs don't touch is greatly desired.  How did I allow myself to get like this?  I want to talk to others who struggle with anorexia/binge eating.  I haven't made it the whole day without food yet but I will!!!  Damn it!  I measure my wrist and see how "easy" my rings slide off.  If they are hard to slid then I am eating too much and holding back water.  I should go.  Someone will be home soon.  They all encourage me to eat but I won't.................

Not Going Well

So they (hospital) say my mom has blood clots in her lungs.  She is admitted to the hospital and other than that I know little except that one blood clot usually kills you!  Tried to talk to someone with an eating disorder today and all I got was kinda "your not in control of things".  She means well and she is very sweet but that's just it!  I'm not in control and it's killing me.  I can however control what I eat and I will not eat!  I will not!

Triggers

Weight up (not surprising) to 217.4  My mom admitted to ER by ambulance this am.  Still know nothing.  Scared to know anything.  I want food to comfort me but all it does is make me shamed.  What will I do without her???  I'm scared.  I can't write anymore right now.

Later Same Day (well actually it's just after midnight)

Well I made it until about 10pm tonight then I ate, threw it up.  Ate some more and threw it up.  Repeated one more time.  I feel like a absolute failure with the food in my stomach.  Food is winning the battle tonight but there is always tomorrow.  I need, need, need to be in control!  God help me!

Another Day Another Pound

Today is Tuesday, today I am 217.0 lbs.  BUT, yesterday I was 215.4 lbs.  I was doing so well!  Saturday I ate celery and carrots for lunch, no breakfast and something small for dinner (don't remember what it was but must have been healthy or I would remember! lol).  Sunday I even turned down popcorn at the theater and opted for pickles (alone) with diet coke.  But that's where it started to go bad.  Kids got home from Trick or Treating with friends and gave me some of their candy.  Did I remember to say "no"?  Of course not.  Did I remember the way my thighs shake and wiggle when I walk?  Of course not.  Did I remember how great I looked when I weighed 139 lbs and all the compliments I got?  Big fat "NO"!  Had a big anxiety attack about 1/2 hour after eating all of it and realizing I couldn't get it all to throw up!  Yesterday I could not get certain foods out of my mind!!!  You know the foods that make you feel good?  The foods that are as good as taking a drug?  They call them Comfort Foods but really it's a great big Narcotic is what it is!  So I thought "what if I eat everything I've been wanting really fast, drink a lot of soda and then throw up???".  So I did but only 1/2 came up!!!!  F@@@!!!  What a loser...........I can't even do it right.  How pathetic.  Last night on my way to my support group I picked up my Neurontin prescription and spent the last of my money on diet soda.  At my support group I shared, I actually told them how all my thoughts, all my time and all my energy is spent into my preoccupation with controlling myself from food.  No one got it.  "Just love yourself", "You know what your doing is bad.  Just eat healthy and you'll lose the weight"!  I might as well been speaking Martian!  Maybe that's what I am???  A Martian.  Stuck with a bunch of human idiots.  Why did I think they would "get" what I was trying to say?  I don't want to stop what I'm doing anyway, so what's the point?  Who knows.  I won't share again.  I've made a pact with myself.  I'll keep all this to myself.  So last night I came home and made pancakes for the next day and pizza for dinner.  Ate a slice of pizza.  Felt like crap after since it was so heavy compared to what I normally eat and then ate a pancake.  Threw it all up.  It felt so much better after.  Can't describe the relief.  Today is a new day.  Today I will stick to my diet sodas.  Maybe a few carrots and celery for dinner.  I'm just so sick of all this flabby gross fat and besides, no one can make me eat.  I control at least that in my life.

Admitting to my eating disorder

I was once 388 lbs!  When I was growing up it seemed like all the men who were authority figures sexually assaulted me.  At least 5 of them from my age of 4 to 9.  When I hit puberty at age 10 my body started to fill out and other kids called me "fat" or worse.  I got attention I wanted from some boys by the way my body looked and their new interest in girls.  But I was also eating more and more to deal with the emotions of hurt and anger towards my body, towards other kids, towards my molesters and towards others for not protecting me.  At age 12, I started eating alone.  In 7th grade, a boy stood up in class and asked the class if they all thought I was fat (the teacher was out of room).  I've had food and other things thrown at me.  I've had people driving by while I was walking yell "cow.....mooooo!" and much worse!  Guess what, I heard you could throw up after eating and lose weight.  I threw up so many times a day but I never lost weight.  I felt like a failure, like I couldn't even do this right.  What a failure!  I never ever really enjoyed ANY of my teen years.  By the time I was 15 yrs old I was over 200 lbs.  I would eat at McDonalds for breakfast (2 breakfast meals), lunch at school, 2 burritos after school, dinner with second helpings (often fast food) and dessert.  I graduated at age 16 1/2 just to avoid the ridicule in school.  I only had boyfriends in those years that wanted sexual activities.  At age 17 1/2 I got a job at Taco Bell (what a great place for a fat person!) and met a guy that I asked out.  I slept with him, he moved in 2 mos later and we got married after 6 mos (weight now 255 lbs).  Oh, did I mention he beat the crap out of me???  When I was 7 1/2 mos pregnant he beat my head into the kitchen floor, knocked me unconscious and went to work while I was still "out".  Four kids later (don't ask why I stayed, I don't even know), broken fingers, ruptured ear drums, bruises and numerous slaps I got my degree in Nursing and separated from him!!!  My weight over next two years and one divorce later ballooned up to 388 lbs.  I still worked but my feet hurt so bad I would cry to step on them.  I could barely walk upstairs to my room.  I was soooooooooo depressed and ashamed.  I was still Bulimic at periods of time but still a failure in making it work!  I finally sought out a Gastric Bypass.  Lied through the pre-surgical psychiatric evaluation and told him I wasn't Bulimic.  Got approved for the surgery because I was such a great candidate! What a bunch of B@@@ S@@@!
Will write more soon...................................