Another Day Another Pound

Today is Tuesday, today I am 217.0 lbs.  BUT, yesterday I was 215.4 lbs.  I was doing so well!  Saturday I ate celery and carrots for lunch, no breakfast and something small for dinner (don't remember what it was but must have been healthy or I would remember! lol).  Sunday I even turned down popcorn at the theater and opted for pickles (alone) with diet coke.  But that's where it started to go bad.  Kids got home from Trick or Treating with friends and gave me some of their candy.  Did I remember to say "no"?  Of course not.  Did I remember the way my thighs shake and wiggle when I walk?  Of course not.  Did I remember how great I looked when I weighed 139 lbs and all the compliments I got?  Big fat "NO"!  Had a big anxiety attack about 1/2 hour after eating all of it and realizing I couldn't get it all to throw up!  Yesterday I could not get certain foods out of my mind!!!  You know the foods that make you feel good?  The foods that are as good as taking a drug?  They call them Comfort Foods but really it's a great big Narcotic is what it is!  So I thought "what if I eat everything I've been wanting really fast, drink a lot of soda and then throw up???".  So I did but only 1/2 came up!!!!  F@@@!!!  What a loser...........I can't even do it right.  How pathetic.  Last night on my way to my support group I picked up my Neurontin prescription and spent the last of my money on diet soda.  At my support group I shared, I actually told them how all my thoughts, all my time and all my energy is spent into my preoccupation with controlling myself from food.  No one got it.  "Just love yourself", "You know what your doing is bad.  Just eat healthy and you'll lose the weight"!  I might as well been speaking Martian!  Maybe that's what I am???  A Martian.  Stuck with a bunch of human idiots.  Why did I think they would "get" what I was trying to say?  I don't want to stop what I'm doing anyway, so what's the point?  Who knows.  I won't share again.  I've made a pact with myself.  I'll keep all this to myself.  So last night I came home and made pancakes for the next day and pizza for dinner.  Ate a slice of pizza.  Felt like crap after since it was so heavy compared to what I normally eat and then ate a pancake.  Threw it all up.  It felt so much better after.  Can't describe the relief.  Today is a new day.  Today I will stick to my diet sodas.  Maybe a few carrots and celery for dinner.  I'm just so sick of all this flabby gross fat and besides, no one can make me eat.  I control at least that in my life.