As usual I am up early. Hate it. Only went to bed about four hrs ago.
Studied all day yesterday for some classes I had to take. UGH! The one class really stumps me. It's all about the heart. For some reason the heart and it's function just baffles me.
Drank tea and diet soda like a mad women. Didn't eat until 7 or 730 last night. Which is good for me. Had a salad with goat cheese and some low cal noodle soup with mushrooms but as usual I felt very guilty and purged 99% of it up. Which wouldn't have been so bad but then I ate two 70 cal sugar free pudding cups, a cheese sandwich (25 cal cheese X2, on 100 cal bread without dressing) and a medium apple. So lets see that's 140 + 150 + 80 + 150 (1% left from purging)= 520 right? Plus, I ran for almost 4 miles. So I would have thought the scales would have been down but nooooooooo they are up a pound! F*** Me!
Some days I want to give up and say, "I'll just be fat!" but this thing in my head (ANA/MIA) keeps me from doing that. I guess that's a good thing.
Whatever.
My Life
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
A LONG TIME
I haven't posted in FOREVER! Mainly because I figured there was no one out there reading but I think this has to just be for me.
Still struggle with my weight. I got down to just under 200 and I wasn't even excited?????? Just felt like it was no big deal and probably wouldn't remain there. Well I was right. Here I sit around 204 (203-205). Why am I so afraid of being under 200???
My purging is worse. Almost every meal I feel I must get out. Not that it matters much since I still don't lose weight.
I got the WII fit for xmas and I try to motivate myself to do it. I ran over 3 miles day before yesterday. I was very proud of myself for not giving up before the 30 min were up!
No job as of yet. Many prospects but little hope. It feels so personal. Such a slap in the face. I feel useless and non deserving of anyone's love. I want to be productive but instead I'm USELESS!
I spend a lot of time reading other ana blogs. Like 2 hrs or more a day. I want inspiration!
So that's were I am...............fat, useless, fat, repulsive, fat, unmotivated..............and did I mention fat!
People say, "wow look at all the weight you've lost!" and "you look so skinny". What??? I'm still 200 lbs!!! I feel like 300 lbs! These people need new glasses!
Stay Strong to help motivate me!
Still struggle with my weight. I got down to just under 200 and I wasn't even excited?????? Just felt like it was no big deal and probably wouldn't remain there. Well I was right. Here I sit around 204 (203-205). Why am I so afraid of being under 200???
My purging is worse. Almost every meal I feel I must get out. Not that it matters much since I still don't lose weight.
I got the WII fit for xmas and I try to motivate myself to do it. I ran over 3 miles day before yesterday. I was very proud of myself for not giving up before the 30 min were up!
No job as of yet. Many prospects but little hope. It feels so personal. Such a slap in the face. I feel useless and non deserving of anyone's love. I want to be productive but instead I'm USELESS!
I spend a lot of time reading other ana blogs. Like 2 hrs or more a day. I want inspiration!
So that's were I am...............fat, useless, fat, repulsive, fat, unmotivated..............and did I mention fat!
People say, "wow look at all the weight you've lost!" and "you look so skinny". What??? I'm still 200 lbs!!! I feel like 300 lbs! These people need new glasses!
Stay Strong to help motivate me!
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