Sorry it's been about a week...........

So my disappointment over gaining weight and not staying true to Ana has also prevented me from blogging but I'm happy to say, "I'm back!".  I'm suppose to have dinner at my ex in-laws where my ex husband will be.  Why this bothers me so much after being divorced over 8 yrs I don't know?  I want to look my best.  Want to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving.  Means I have a little less than two weeks.  Weighed 224.4 a few days ago and due to running and a great deal of restricting my diet I am down to 219.4 today.  I always feel strange telling everyone what I weigh.  That no one will think that I have ED.  That I have no idea really what I am talking about.  Oh well, I know that the way I think and what I do in response to that is very ED.  So back to my EX.  I have the best (current) partner/boyfriend in the world and it's not that I'm thinking of cheating on him with my ex.  Hell no!  It's that I want to hurt my ex for being the jerk he is to our kids.  See his GF is really, really big.  And although I may be 219.4 I don't look like it.  Maybe due to height or whatever......  But I'm hoping he looks at me, looks at her, looks at me and back to her and it hurts him with what he "could" have had!!  By then I will weigh ten less than today anyway.  Plus, I think my boy friend will like the thinner me.  I think he doesn't like all the weight I've gained from binging and would really like the "real me" that he had when we first met almost three years ago.  I know I would.  I feel extremely guilty and shameful over the fact that I allowed my body to get so distorted.  Rolls of fat push out of my clothes and everything is sagging.  Maybe, my ex will just laugh when he see's me???  Maybe this isn't good enough.  I should have tried harder weeks ago!  Oh!  I hate me.  I hate who I've become.  All you see is fat overlapping the beautiful bone structure that is somewhere lost in the gross globs of FAT!  I'm so sick of looking at me.  Today I will be stronger than yesterday and eat even less!  Today I will be better.