Day Four

Ok so I have done rather well.  One bite of Chili tonight.  Maybe a lick of the fingers while making dinner but that's all.  And Boy Oh Boy do I want some pasta.  Had a taste and spit it out.  My new favorite saying is "If I eat something, I eat everything, so I eat nothing!"  How great is that??  So I made my BF two small sandwiches of Meatloaf and then broiled six crackers with Swiss cheese and Peperoni on them.  I love to cook.  Made a homemade Xmas cake and a ton of cookies tonight.  Plus, I made that extremely spicy Chili for my BF's lunch tomorrow.  I figure if I can't eat I will stuff everyone else!  Maybe, I should go longer than this five day fast??

After Thanksgiving Fast

So I know I haven't written.  I get discouraged because no one reads this but maybe eventually someone will comment!!  I had to go up north to see my mom who is very sick.  I was there a week and ate almost the whole time!  Ate Sushi every night.  And we won't even talk about Thanksgiving!!!  I went from 210.0 to 215.4  So I decided to go on a fast.  A 5 day fast to get my weight loss restarted.  On day 3 now.  I made it 3 days so far.  Yipee!  Just tea and diet soda.  I did lick my finger of cookie batter.  Made cheessy pasta and cookies.  Man I wanted it sooooo bad...........  I'm able to do this through the need to stay in control of one thing in my life.  Finally one.  Plus, the thoughts about myself are enough to persuade me not to eat.   So I will try and write tomorrow to tell you how it goes. 

Today

I am 211 today.  I expected maybe a little weight loss but the scale gave me even a better number.  Found something I can eat to "head off" the craving for junk food (any food really).  It's these Wasabi peas.  They are very low calorie and it's good to crunch on something.  If you're reading this can you leave a comment.  I'm lonely to talk to someone who is or has been where I am with Ana???

This Morning.....

Down to 214.8lbs!  Which is Awesome!!!  Great!!!  But so much more to lose until I am not so socially unacceptable.  Ate one and half small cookies because I was soooo weak.  Could barely stand without feeling dizzy.  Still in Ketosis though.  Will write more later.

Day Two of Fast

So I made it through the day and only had three small bites of a cookie my daughter made me.  I sat at my lunch break from work and watched my boy friend eat pizza!  OMG!  I wanted it so bad!!!  I kept thinking, "I can have one bite of the crust.  I've been so good!"  But I didn't do it!  Then I got more pizza for dinner tonight.  But I didn't eat that either!  Proud of me???  But my heart burn is getting worse.  I purge diluted blood and I take a lot of Ibuprofen so I'm sure that's the reason. 
I made the mistake of telling my BF about the heart burn and blood!  He was like, "you need to eat something or suffer the pain and blood."  Strange thing is I would rather be thin than change.  I feel so alone in my thoughts.
All I think about is food.
I did do a test to check for effective fasting called, "Keto Sticks".  It came back as somewhere in between small and moderate.  That's awesome!  I'm doing this right!  I'm down to 218.6lbs today!  Hope those couple of bites of cookie doesn't make me test negative for Ketosis tomorrow!!!!  Please God, don't punish me for a few seconds of weakness.  I promise I'll try harder tomorrow!

Today, Today, Today

So yesterday was my "new" attempt at fasting.  Have been reading a lot of pro ana sites.  Best one for fasting has been http://evacanfly.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.html .  I only ate a few deep fried mushrooms late last nite and then vomited them up.  I think I got out 90%.  Problem is my purge had some blood in it.  I think this is mainly due to all the Ibuprofen (Advil) I take several times a day for pain.  Talked to my mom a little last nite about what's been going on.  I made light of it as much as possible.  I don't think anyone thinks I can continue anyway.  Maybe (probably) they see me as weak too???  I'll show everyone.
Little dizzy when I got up today.  Ketosis strips show very little.  (Ketosis is a state your body goes into once it's eating fat)  I wish the strip would turn dark soon.  It feels like progress when it does.  I need progress.
Weight down almost two pounds since yesterday.  217.6lbs  Shouldn't I feel proud??  I just see how fat I've become and how much damage I've done!  I hate what I've become.  Rolls and rolls of fat.
So I will stick to my fast and maybe by tomorrow some of that will be gone but not enough of it I'm sure!

Sorry it's been about a week...........

So my disappointment over gaining weight and not staying true to Ana has also prevented me from blogging but I'm happy to say, "I'm back!".  I'm suppose to have dinner at my ex in-laws where my ex husband will be.  Why this bothers me so much after being divorced over 8 yrs I don't know?  I want to look my best.  Want to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving.  Means I have a little less than two weeks.  Weighed 224.4 a few days ago and due to running and a great deal of restricting my diet I am down to 219.4 today.  I always feel strange telling everyone what I weigh.  That no one will think that I have ED.  That I have no idea really what I am talking about.  Oh well, I know that the way I think and what I do in response to that is very ED.  So back to my EX.  I have the best (current) partner/boyfriend in the world and it's not that I'm thinking of cheating on him with my ex.  Hell no!  It's that I want to hurt my ex for being the jerk he is to our kids.  See his GF is really, really big.  And although I may be 219.4 I don't look like it.  Maybe due to height or whatever......  But I'm hoping he looks at me, looks at her, looks at me and back to her and it hurts him with what he "could" have had!!  By then I will weigh ten less than today anyway.  Plus, I think my boy friend will like the thinner me.  I think he doesn't like all the weight I've gained from binging and would really like the "real me" that he had when we first met almost three years ago.  I know I would.  I feel extremely guilty and shameful over the fact that I allowed my body to get so distorted.  Rolls of fat push out of my clothes and everything is sagging.  Maybe, my ex will just laugh when he see's me???  Maybe this isn't good enough.  I should have tried harder weeks ago!  Oh!  I hate me.  I hate who I've become.  All you see is fat overlapping the beautiful bone structure that is somewhere lost in the gross globs of FAT!  I'm so sick of looking at me.  Today I will be stronger than yesterday and eat even less!  Today I will be better.