A LONG TIME

I haven't posted in FOREVER!  Mainly because I figured there was no one out there reading but I think this has to just be for me.
Still struggle with my weight. I got down to just under 200 and I wasn't even excited??????  Just felt like it was no big deal and probably wouldn't remain there.  Well I was right.  Here I sit around 204 (203-205).  Why am I so afraid of being under 200???
My purging is worse.  Almost every meal I feel I must get out.  Not that it matters much since I still don't lose weight.
I got the WII fit for xmas and I try to motivate myself to do it.  I ran over 3 miles day before yesterday.  I was very proud of myself for not giving up before the 30 min were up!
No job as of yet.  Many prospects but little hope.  It feels so personal.  Such a slap in the face.  I feel useless and non deserving of anyone's love.  I want to be productive but instead I'm USELESS!
I spend a lot of time reading other ana blogs.  Like 2 hrs or more a day.  I want inspiration!
So that's were I am...............fat, useless, fat, repulsive, fat, unmotivated..............and did I mention fat!
People say, "wow look at all the weight you've lost!" and "you look so skinny".  What???  I'm still 200 lbs!!!  I feel like 300 lbs!  These people need new glasses!
Stay Strong to help motivate me!