I know.....

I didn't post for awhile cause I figured no one was looking.  Oh well.  I did my five day fast and got down to 208 but then binged when my boyfriend took me out to dinner.  Which led to more binging!  And of course purging.  I just can't stand the feeling of food in my body!  I take huge laxatives to get it all out.  Feel like bloated pig!  I hate when I can't stick to something.  All those thoughts of "your such a loser", "you're weak" and so much more uglier things my head tells me. 
Right now I am back to my fast.  This is day two and all I have had is my usual TONS of Pepsi Max, tea with only a dribble of milk and splenda, and occasionally I taste the food I make for the kids but usually spit it out.  I just don't know how many calories are in those tastes.
I work in retail right now and it sucks!  Big time!!  All I think about is food and I'm constantly telling myself not to eat.  God I hate that job!  It keeps me from "Ana".
I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.
I don't even care if I get sick from this!  I have to be 139lbs again. (or less)  I felt secure then.  I was sexy then.  Now I am just a wiggle, jiggle thing of gross fat.
How much longer??????