CAN'T SLEEP..........

It's early.  Been awake since about 330.  BF snoring so loud!  Good thing I don't work today.  Was put on schedule for today (after the schedule came out), when I asked why they took me off.  Good for me!
On another note.  Interview on Thursday (in my opinion) went bad.  Came home ate the rest of the potatoes and sausage I made the BF and then purged.  But while purging I was thinking of my favorite bacon and grilled cheese.  So I made that and purged it too.  Then had 3/4 of a corn dog but fell asleep before I purged it.  Went to Pot Luck later where I ate little because my stomach was so upset from purging.  Why can't my stomach always be upset??  Then I wouldn't eat.
Yesterday I starved all day even when I went with BF to pizza place for lunch.  When I finally got home last night I made myself eat some veggie soup so I wouldn't binge.  After I still wanted carbs sooooo friggin bad but I just ate a little more soup.
Down almost a pound today.  Finally, going down again.
FYI two girls at work admitted to their ED.  The one is skinny and c/o getting too thin.  I wish. 

I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS FAIL..........

I HATE MY JOB!  I do however have an interview today with another company.  More in my field of work.  Hope it goes well.
I didn't stick with my fast.  Did only two days!  I feel like such a failure!!!!!!!!!!  So weak!!!!!!!  I really hate myself for not staying Strong!  I did only eat veggie soup and some Wasabi peas when I finally ate.
Today is a new day.  (I hope)  I got up and made veggie soup, with broth and tofu.  I lived off this for months and lost weight.  It has cabbage, tomatoes, carrots, celery, tofu, spinach and zucchini.  I hope I can stick to it.
I was a little concerned that I was getting soooooooo irritable last nite.  How would I do my interview today if I was cranky and couldn't think straight???
So two cups of Chia tea with a smiggin of non fat milk and splenda.  Plus my usual tons of Pepsi Max.
At my job people are so fake.  I'm fake.  I sold 188% yesterday and I have no idea how!  I hate people but I must fake it well?  How can I honestly tell someone something looks good or bad on them when I have sales %????  I have to tell them it looks great!  And smile.  Don't forget the smile.
UGH!  My moods go between elated and then super depressed.  Maybe, I'm BiPolar???  Great!  The meds are a weight gainer.  So I won't be doing that.  I will do my normal and put on a happy face and not let anyone know how I really feel except those of you who read this.
Gotta go BF waking up!
Restrict and Starve on!
Until we are bones!

Hard Day

I'm having a really difficult day.  This is the only place I find any solace.  It's not really the food, although it's always, always in my thoughts.  It's how I feel.  I'm just so down.  Blank.  No feelings whatsoever.  Not sure what to do?  I already took my anti-depressant and still nothing.  I'm so blank...........
Can't even get into my Pro-Ana sites.  UGH! 
This is a good one if your searching for other sites. 
http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/2009_07_01_archive.html?zx=5c6d4dbdb7999a77
Hope your day is better than mine.
Feel like Eeyore, "Oh, hum.  Everything's gonna go wrong".

QUICKIE

I only have a moment.........didn't make it last night.  Gave in four times and as you already guessed I purged with each one!  Then I finished off a ham and cheese sandwich for which I kept down but only because it WOULDN'T come up!  I ate two large quiche slices, apple pie and chocolate kisses.  None of which were anywhere near small portions!!  What a pig!  I feel like shit!  I'm going to try again today.  Wish me luck!

Forgot.........

I forgot to say what my weight was.  208.0 even!  Lowest it's been in over two years. 
Stay Strong all you out there.  We can do this together.  I can almost feel my bones wanting to be seen through all this FAT!

So Far..........

So far so good.  Made two Quiches (rounds) and a large (square) Quiche.  I put sausage, bacon, spinach, parsley, garlic, cream, eggs, tomatoes, onions and mushrooms in my Quiches.  Oh! And of course lots of cheese.  Jack and American with Parmeson sprinkled last.  I love to cook so much when I don't eat!  You would think I would nibble or something but I don't.  I also made my bf breakfast again!  He's not up yet.  Works the PM shift.  He's such a wonderful guy!  Can't tell you how lucky I am.  He knows some of what I am going through but don't think he knows I purge on purpose.  He just thinks I throw up when I have eaten too much or whatever.  So anyway, I made him two "french toast" type English Muffins, sausage and bacon.  Plus, his coffee is ready to go.
Today I am not sure what to think about seeing the therapist????  I think maybe I will either have to quit or lie because I'm not giving this up.  Not sure I could anyway.
I haven't eaten so far today.  Woke up feeling really icky!  Took my meds and vits and I feel better now.  More Diet Pepsi Max will help with that too.
So if your reading this, can you leave a comment???  I'm lonely.

Update

So I almost didn't post.  It's getting late and I've been up since 5am.  Made a fried bacon sandwich with home made bread for my bf.  Then decided to make him some spaghetti and meatballs for his dinner at work but to top it off I made another loaf of bread.  Cinnamon this time and made him eat a slice!  He probably gained 5 pounds!  Part of me says, "better him than me!" and the other part feels guilty and wants to stop feeding everyone soooooo much. 
I was bad after my last message to you last night.  I binged (albeit a small one) and ate some stew with bread.  Drank a bunch of soda and purged.  Unfortunately, I've figured out how to purge "better" by drinking a bunch and jumping up and down (to "mix" things up, ewww) and then purge.
Today though, I have had one bite of stew and..........drum roll please.............nothing else!  Just Diet Pepsi Max.  Not even tea.  I wonder does Splenda through Ketosis off???  Seems like I have a really hard time getting to it.  So I got on scale (around 845 tonight) and I am back to 208lbs.  Yipee!!!  I had other really, really good news today but I can't tell you all because it will give away who I am to anyone who might already know me but not that it's me on this blog.  I know that's unlikely but still....................
I also saw my therapist for the first time today.  She is a recovered bulimic.  I did make it clear I am not willing to give up Ana.  Not right now.  Maybe never.  I just wonder if I could stop obsessing over food every single minute.  But maybe that would be giving up Ana.  I'm not ready for that by any means right now!
I like feeling empty.  I just hate the hunger which brings on the intense cravings!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just need to stay strong.  I am stronger than hunger.  Food is all fat!  I don't want to be fat.
To all you out there who actually read this, I WILL be strong with you tonight.
Until tomorrow, Starve On!

I know.....

I didn't post for awhile cause I figured no one was looking.  Oh well.  I did my five day fast and got down to 208 but then binged when my boyfriend took me out to dinner.  Which led to more binging!  And of course purging.  I just can't stand the feeling of food in my body!  I take huge laxatives to get it all out.  Feel like bloated pig!  I hate when I can't stick to something.  All those thoughts of "your such a loser", "you're weak" and so much more uglier things my head tells me. 
Right now I am back to my fast.  This is day two and all I have had is my usual TONS of Pepsi Max, tea with only a dribble of milk and splenda, and occasionally I taste the food I make for the kids but usually spit it out.  I just don't know how many calories are in those tastes.
I work in retail right now and it sucks!  Big time!!  All I think about is food and I'm constantly telling myself not to eat.  God I hate that job!  It keeps me from "Ana".
I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.  I won't eat.
I don't even care if I get sick from this!  I have to be 139lbs again. (or less)  I felt secure then.  I was sexy then.  Now I am just a wiggle, jiggle thing of gross fat.
How much longer??????