MORNING

As usual I am up early.  Hate it.  Only went to bed about four hrs ago.
Studied all day yesterday for some classes I had to take.  UGH!  The one class really stumps me.  It's all about the heart.  For some reason the heart and it's function just baffles me.
Drank tea and diet soda like a mad women.  Didn't eat until 7 or 730 last night.  Which is good for me.  Had a salad with goat cheese and some low cal noodle soup with mushrooms but as usual I felt very guilty and purged 99% of it up.  Which wouldn't have been so bad but then I ate two 70 cal sugar free pudding cups, a cheese sandwich (25 cal cheese X2, on 100 cal bread without dressing) and a medium apple.  So lets see that's 140 + 150 + 80 + 150 (1% left from purging)= 520 right?  Plus, I ran for almost 4 miles.  So I would have thought the scales would have been down but nooooooooo they are up a pound!  F*** Me!
Some days I want to give up and say, "I'll just be fat!" but this thing in my head (ANA/MIA) keeps me from doing that.  I guess that's a good thing.
Whatever.

A LONG TIME

I haven't posted in FOREVER!  Mainly because I figured there was no one out there reading but I think this has to just be for me.
Still struggle with my weight. I got down to just under 200 and I wasn't even excited??????  Just felt like it was no big deal and probably wouldn't remain there.  Well I was right.  Here I sit around 204 (203-205).  Why am I so afraid of being under 200???
My purging is worse.  Almost every meal I feel I must get out.  Not that it matters much since I still don't lose weight.
I got the WII fit for xmas and I try to motivate myself to do it.  I ran over 3 miles day before yesterday.  I was very proud of myself for not giving up before the 30 min were up!
No job as of yet.  Many prospects but little hope.  It feels so personal.  Such a slap in the face.  I feel useless and non deserving of anyone's love.  I want to be productive but instead I'm USELESS!
I spend a lot of time reading other ana blogs.  Like 2 hrs or more a day.  I want inspiration!
So that's were I am...............fat, useless, fat, repulsive, fat, unmotivated..............and did I mention fat!
People say, "wow look at all the weight you've lost!" and "you look so skinny".  What???  I'm still 200 lbs!!!  I feel like 300 lbs!  These people need new glasses!
Stay Strong to help motivate me!

CAN'T SLEEP..........

It's early.  Been awake since about 330.  BF snoring so loud!  Good thing I don't work today.  Was put on schedule for today (after the schedule came out), when I asked why they took me off.  Good for me!
On another note.  Interview on Thursday (in my opinion) went bad.  Came home ate the rest of the potatoes and sausage I made the BF and then purged.  But while purging I was thinking of my favorite bacon and grilled cheese.  So I made that and purged it too.  Then had 3/4 of a corn dog but fell asleep before I purged it.  Went to Pot Luck later where I ate little because my stomach was so upset from purging.  Why can't my stomach always be upset??  Then I wouldn't eat.
Yesterday I starved all day even when I went with BF to pizza place for lunch.  When I finally got home last night I made myself eat some veggie soup so I wouldn't binge.  After I still wanted carbs sooooo friggin bad but I just ate a little more soup.
Down almost a pound today.  Finally, going down again.
FYI two girls at work admitted to their ED.  The one is skinny and c/o getting too thin.  I wish. 

I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS FAIL..........

I HATE MY JOB!  I do however have an interview today with another company.  More in my field of work.  Hope it goes well.
I didn't stick with my fast.  Did only two days!  I feel like such a failure!!!!!!!!!!  So weak!!!!!!!  I really hate myself for not staying Strong!  I did only eat veggie soup and some Wasabi peas when I finally ate.
Today is a new day.  (I hope)  I got up and made veggie soup, with broth and tofu.  I lived off this for months and lost weight.  It has cabbage, tomatoes, carrots, celery, tofu, spinach and zucchini.  I hope I can stick to it.
I was a little concerned that I was getting soooooooo irritable last nite.  How would I do my interview today if I was cranky and couldn't think straight???
So two cups of Chia tea with a smiggin of non fat milk and splenda.  Plus my usual tons of Pepsi Max.
At my job people are so fake.  I'm fake.  I sold 188% yesterday and I have no idea how!  I hate people but I must fake it well?  How can I honestly tell someone something looks good or bad on them when I have sales %????  I have to tell them it looks great!  And smile.  Don't forget the smile.
UGH!  My moods go between elated and then super depressed.  Maybe, I'm BiPolar???  Great!  The meds are a weight gainer.  So I won't be doing that.  I will do my normal and put on a happy face and not let anyone know how I really feel except those of you who read this.
Gotta go BF waking up!
Restrict and Starve on!
Until we are bones!

Hard Day

I'm having a really difficult day.  This is the only place I find any solace.  It's not really the food, although it's always, always in my thoughts.  It's how I feel.  I'm just so down.  Blank.  No feelings whatsoever.  Not sure what to do?  I already took my anti-depressant and still nothing.  I'm so blank...........
Can't even get into my Pro-Ana sites.  UGH! 
This is a good one if your searching for other sites. 
http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/2009_07_01_archive.html?zx=5c6d4dbdb7999a77
Hope your day is better than mine.
Feel like Eeyore, "Oh, hum.  Everything's gonna go wrong".

QUICKIE

I only have a moment.........didn't make it last night.  Gave in four times and as you already guessed I purged with each one!  Then I finished off a ham and cheese sandwich for which I kept down but only because it WOULDN'T come up!  I ate two large quiche slices, apple pie and chocolate kisses.  None of which were anywhere near small portions!!  What a pig!  I feel like shit!  I'm going to try again today.  Wish me luck!

Forgot.........

I forgot to say what my weight was.  208.0 even!  Lowest it's been in over two years. 
Stay Strong all you out there.  We can do this together.  I can almost feel my bones wanting to be seen through all this FAT!