Day Four

Ok so I have done rather well.  One bite of Chili tonight.  Maybe a lick of the fingers while making dinner but that's all.  And Boy Oh Boy do I want some pasta.  Had a taste and spit it out.  My new favorite saying is "If I eat something, I eat everything, so I eat nothing!"  How great is that??  So I made my BF two small sandwiches of Meatloaf and then broiled six crackers with Swiss cheese and Peperoni on them.  I love to cook.  Made a homemade Xmas cake and a ton of cookies tonight.  Plus, I made that extremely spicy Chili for my BF's lunch tomorrow.  I figure if I can't eat I will stuff everyone else!  Maybe, I should go longer than this five day fast??

After Thanksgiving Fast

So I know I haven't written.  I get discouraged because no one reads this but maybe eventually someone will comment!!  I had to go up north to see my mom who is very sick.  I was there a week and ate almost the whole time!  Ate Sushi every night.  And we won't even talk about Thanksgiving!!!  I went from 210.0 to 215.4  So I decided to go on a fast.  A 5 day fast to get my weight loss restarted.  On day 3 now.  I made it 3 days so far.  Yipee!  Just tea and diet soda.  I did lick my finger of cookie batter.  Made cheessy pasta and cookies.  Man I wanted it sooooo bad...........  I'm able to do this through the need to stay in control of one thing in my life.  Finally one.  Plus, the thoughts about myself are enough to persuade me not to eat.   So I will try and write tomorrow to tell you how it goes. 

Today

I am 211 today.  I expected maybe a little weight loss but the scale gave me even a better number.  Found something I can eat to "head off" the craving for junk food (any food really).  It's these Wasabi peas.  They are very low calorie and it's good to crunch on something.  If you're reading this can you leave a comment.  I'm lonely to talk to someone who is or has been where I am with Ana???

This Morning.....

Down to 214.8lbs!  Which is Awesome!!!  Great!!!  But so much more to lose until I am not so socially unacceptable.  Ate one and half small cookies because I was soooo weak.  Could barely stand without feeling dizzy.  Still in Ketosis though.  Will write more later.

Day Two of Fast

So I made it through the day and only had three small bites of a cookie my daughter made me.  I sat at my lunch break from work and watched my boy friend eat pizza!  OMG!  I wanted it so bad!!!  I kept thinking, "I can have one bite of the crust.  I've been so good!"  But I didn't do it!  Then I got more pizza for dinner tonight.  But I didn't eat that either!  Proud of me???  But my heart burn is getting worse.  I purge diluted blood and I take a lot of Ibuprofen so I'm sure that's the reason. 
I made the mistake of telling my BF about the heart burn and blood!  He was like, "you need to eat something or suffer the pain and blood."  Strange thing is I would rather be thin than change.  I feel so alone in my thoughts.
All I think about is food.
I did do a test to check for effective fasting called, "Keto Sticks".  It came back as somewhere in between small and moderate.  That's awesome!  I'm doing this right!  I'm down to 218.6lbs today!  Hope those couple of bites of cookie doesn't make me test negative for Ketosis tomorrow!!!!  Please God, don't punish me for a few seconds of weakness.  I promise I'll try harder tomorrow!

Today, Today, Today

So yesterday was my "new" attempt at fasting.  Have been reading a lot of pro ana sites.  Best one for fasting has been http://evacanfly.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.html .  I only ate a few deep fried mushrooms late last nite and then vomited them up.  I think I got out 90%.  Problem is my purge had some blood in it.  I think this is mainly due to all the Ibuprofen (Advil) I take several times a day for pain.  Talked to my mom a little last nite about what's been going on.  I made light of it as much as possible.  I don't think anyone thinks I can continue anyway.  Maybe (probably) they see me as weak too???  I'll show everyone.
Little dizzy when I got up today.  Ketosis strips show very little.  (Ketosis is a state your body goes into once it's eating fat)  I wish the strip would turn dark soon.  It feels like progress when it does.  I need progress.
Weight down almost two pounds since yesterday.  217.6lbs  Shouldn't I feel proud??  I just see how fat I've become and how much damage I've done!  I hate what I've become.  Rolls and rolls of fat.
So I will stick to my fast and maybe by tomorrow some of that will be gone but not enough of it I'm sure!

Sorry it's been about a week...........

So my disappointment over gaining weight and not staying true to Ana has also prevented me from blogging but I'm happy to say, "I'm back!".  I'm suppose to have dinner at my ex in-laws where my ex husband will be.  Why this bothers me so much after being divorced over 8 yrs I don't know?  I want to look my best.  Want to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving.  Means I have a little less than two weeks.  Weighed 224.4 a few days ago and due to running and a great deal of restricting my diet I am down to 219.4 today.  I always feel strange telling everyone what I weigh.  That no one will think that I have ED.  That I have no idea really what I am talking about.  Oh well, I know that the way I think and what I do in response to that is very ED.  So back to my EX.  I have the best (current) partner/boyfriend in the world and it's not that I'm thinking of cheating on him with my ex.  Hell no!  It's that I want to hurt my ex for being the jerk he is to our kids.  See his GF is really, really big.  And although I may be 219.4 I don't look like it.  Maybe due to height or whatever......  But I'm hoping he looks at me, looks at her, looks at me and back to her and it hurts him with what he "could" have had!!  By then I will weigh ten less than today anyway.  Plus, I think my boy friend will like the thinner me.  I think he doesn't like all the weight I've gained from binging and would really like the "real me" that he had when we first met almost three years ago.  I know I would.  I feel extremely guilty and shameful over the fact that I allowed my body to get so distorted.  Rolls of fat push out of my clothes and everything is sagging.  Maybe, my ex will just laugh when he see's me???  Maybe this isn't good enough.  I should have tried harder weeks ago!  Oh!  I hate me.  I hate who I've become.  All you see is fat overlapping the beautiful bone structure that is somewhere lost in the gross globs of FAT!  I'm so sick of looking at me.  Today I will be stronger than yesterday and eat even less!  Today I will be better.

Night Time

I am soooo good in the daytime of not eating but at night, especially late at night I can't resist.  I gulped down chicken rice and then purged.  Felt good that I got all of it up!  Then I had a sausage sandwich with double cheese.  Sandwich is hard to purge.  It clumps and makes it difficult but I think I got "rid" of most of it.  I better have lost some weight by AM!!!!!

Is anyone out there????

Today I am trying not to purge.  I purged over 6 times last night and kept down some cookies.  No wonder I weighed the same today 217.4  I'm so jealous of people who can go the day without eating.  I can't understand why I am not strong enough!!!!!!!!!!  My pants are loose but I want more.  I am down 37 lbs and I know sometimes when you don't eat or eat little your body holds on to weight.  I want to be back when I could feel my neck bones and hip bones through my clothes.  The way your thighs don't touch is greatly desired.  How did I allow myself to get like this?  I want to talk to others who struggle with anorexia/binge eating.  I haven't made it the whole day without food yet but I will!!!  Damn it!  I measure my wrist and see how "easy" my rings slide off.  If they are hard to slid then I am eating too much and holding back water.  I should go.  Someone will be home soon.  They all encourage me to eat but I won't.................

Not Going Well

So they (hospital) say my mom has blood clots in her lungs.  She is admitted to the hospital and other than that I know little except that one blood clot usually kills you!  Tried to talk to someone with an eating disorder today and all I got was kinda "your not in control of things".  She means well and she is very sweet but that's just it!  I'm not in control and it's killing me.  I can however control what I eat and I will not eat!  I will not!

Triggers

Weight up (not surprising) to 217.4  My mom admitted to ER by ambulance this am.  Still know nothing.  Scared to know anything.  I want food to comfort me but all it does is make me shamed.  What will I do without her???  I'm scared.  I can't write anymore right now.

Later Same Day (well actually it's just after midnight)

Well I made it until about 10pm tonight then I ate, threw it up.  Ate some more and threw it up.  Repeated one more time.  I feel like a absolute failure with the food in my stomach.  Food is winning the battle tonight but there is always tomorrow.  I need, need, need to be in control!  God help me!

Another Day Another Pound

Today is Tuesday, today I am 217.0 lbs.  BUT, yesterday I was 215.4 lbs.  I was doing so well!  Saturday I ate celery and carrots for lunch, no breakfast and something small for dinner (don't remember what it was but must have been healthy or I would remember! lol).  Sunday I even turned down popcorn at the theater and opted for pickles (alone) with diet coke.  But that's where it started to go bad.  Kids got home from Trick or Treating with friends and gave me some of their candy.  Did I remember to say "no"?  Of course not.  Did I remember the way my thighs shake and wiggle when I walk?  Of course not.  Did I remember how great I looked when I weighed 139 lbs and all the compliments I got?  Big fat "NO"!  Had a big anxiety attack about 1/2 hour after eating all of it and realizing I couldn't get it all to throw up!  Yesterday I could not get certain foods out of my mind!!!  You know the foods that make you feel good?  The foods that are as good as taking a drug?  They call them Comfort Foods but really it's a great big Narcotic is what it is!  So I thought "what if I eat everything I've been wanting really fast, drink a lot of soda and then throw up???".  So I did but only 1/2 came up!!!!  F@@@!!!  What a loser...........I can't even do it right.  How pathetic.  Last night on my way to my support group I picked up my Neurontin prescription and spent the last of my money on diet soda.  At my support group I shared, I actually told them how all my thoughts, all my time and all my energy is spent into my preoccupation with controlling myself from food.  No one got it.  "Just love yourself", "You know what your doing is bad.  Just eat healthy and you'll lose the weight"!  I might as well been speaking Martian!  Maybe that's what I am???  A Martian.  Stuck with a bunch of human idiots.  Why did I think they would "get" what I was trying to say?  I don't want to stop what I'm doing anyway, so what's the point?  Who knows.  I won't share again.  I've made a pact with myself.  I'll keep all this to myself.  So last night I came home and made pancakes for the next day and pizza for dinner.  Ate a slice of pizza.  Felt like crap after since it was so heavy compared to what I normally eat and then ate a pancake.  Threw it all up.  It felt so much better after.  Can't describe the relief.  Today is a new day.  Today I will stick to my diet sodas.  Maybe a few carrots and celery for dinner.  I'm just so sick of all this flabby gross fat and besides, no one can make me eat.  I control at least that in my life.